I've struggled my whole life with trying to find my own greatness- my significance in this vast universe which makes us all seem small. I feel like I've wandered through the last thirty-some years seeing those around me achieve in a particular way, and go, hmmmmmmmm.....I wonder if I could do that. Yeah...I could be good at that. But where does my own greatness lie? I think I'm coming to figure that out. Its very scarey, though, when you see what's been right in front of your face for decades. Paths that lurch up to you with such promise, and also failure. I always chose the safe route. The go-to-college-and-get-some-mundane-psychology-degree-and-do-nothing-with-it-but-work-in-a-meaningless-job-and-get-married-then-have-babies path. Now I'm 36 and the thought that I could be too late is paralyzing and sad. Do you see what the fat is covering up? A vision of success.

This morning I woke up in the throes of what seems to be full fledged "morning sickness." It has waxed and waned for hours now, feeling better after a snack, worse when I relax. I took three ginger pills and crossed my fingers. My head really hurts, too.

Saw the midwife yesterday. We loved him but it now appears that our insurance company is going to force us to go elsewhere. :(

1. I love the number 27. Don't know why- just do- always have. One day I'll win something because of it....one day.

2. I fantasize about singing and playing guitar in a band but I can't carry a tune in a bucket and my guitar playing skills fall somewhere behind the vocal ones. We go to a rockin' church on Sunday nights and I always wish I was the cool broad on stage gettin' people pumped for Jesus. If I could sing just one of those songs it would be......uh......Open The Eyes of My Heart....or....Stranger To Your Holiness. Yeah....souls would be lifted all over the place, if only in my dreams.

3. I go on "Realtor.com" looking for my Grandmother's house in Cedaredge, Colorado, about 6 times a year. I always keep my fingers crossed that by some chance someone will be selling it and I'll happen to have the cash to buy it. I loved being in that house. Then, when I see her house ain't for sale, I start obsessing over other properties in the same town and end up in a panic that we need to buy something there quick because the value of property West of the Rockies is skyrocketing and soon we'll be priced out. Then I pray for forgiveness of my gluttony. Truly- just gluttony. I'm lucky to own property at all.

4. I want to be an unschooler- even if my kids never want to quit school and do it with me. I crave learning- if I could- I'd go back to college, infinitely, and study whatever the heck floats my boat at that time. When I was fortunate enough to be a full-time college student, back in the day, I was too distracted by the male species to absorb any of the information presented to me. Now that I've got a husband, pressure's off- let the learning begin, again! ha ha ha

I don't really have anything crucial to write about this morning but I decided to check-in anyway. We've spent this weekend working on clearing through the enormous amount of junk in our garage. At one point, when I was sorting through a picture/memory box, I found Ben's baby journal and began reading it. I was amazed and somewhat horrified by the amount of things I'd written that I could not recall. Suddenly I found myself in a panic that I was forgetting the quirky things about my children's dailiness and needed to be more diligent about journaling them.

Lily has been spending all her time this weekend watching T.V. We found one of our favorite videos of the past- "Gentle Birth Choices" and watched a little together. She and I are starting to plan her role at the upcoming birth of her new sibling. I'm committed to having her there this time, even if I am screaming and scarey. I think she's old enough to handle it and has watched enough birth videos and TLC to know that it comes with the territory.

Liam has also been watching a fair amount of Disney Channel, "That's So Raven" being his favorite (much like his big sis Lily). He does, however, get up to act out some drama he's invented, laser wars or playing house. He's got a terrific imagination. I have been enjoying reading "The Boxcar Children" to him, which is our first chapter book together. It was one of my favorites as a child and I knew he'd love the fact that the kids are fending for themselves in the woods- a true fantasy of his!

Benjamin is a real combination of lover and fighter and provokes a variety of emotions within Tom and I every minute. He is the funniest kid in our family but he is also the biggest challenge and trouble-maker. I have been wondering lately if I was like him as a child- I have a strong hunch that I was. My parents, especially my mom, must have had her hands full. The fact that I've turned into an adult with great morals and consciousness provides hope for ol' Ben. Hopefully he finds those virtues at an early age, before I did. He and the rest of the world will be a lot better off. On a different note, I believe he is the most excited Sombar kid about the new baby. He constantly talks to it, kisses my belly, or talks of the "baby" growing in his belly, which he says is a girl he is naming "Ella." (after a little girl in his nursery school class!)

Well, I'm off to do more sorting and trashing. Let this be a lesson to us all: more is not better- ever!