To read more about the remarkable courage of this young mother as she battles on against a vicious form of colon cancer click here. The family, including her three-year old little girl- Ella- need prayers for their own peace in addition to the prayers needed by Shawndra for deliverance, peace, and wisdom for her pain-management team who are desperately trying to make her as comfortable as possible.

To one of the greatest women on earth- how lucky I am to be a part of your life. A mother who gives all and then some to her three beautiful girls, who is a devoted wife and friend, who is intelligent beyond measure and good for a laugh when you need it. You have trodden the path of life, stumbling through ditches but always dusting yourself off and getting right back on track. You inspire me on my toughest of days and have brought me great joy in between. Best of all- you are older than me, if only by six months.

Thanks for everything. I love you.

Thanks to my friend Christina for sending me this super-cool video of our wonderful Pittsburgh Zoo- Its An Animal Pep Rally People...Are we nuts, or what?.....Here We Go Steelers, Here We Go!




And, oh, I've watched this myself about ten times this evening, much to the bewilderment of my husband, who is really beginning to wonder...what a party pooper he is, friends. I mean, really, folks, baby elephants, Steelers fans or not, have got to be the cutest mammals on the planet (well, next to our own children, of course). So, just to spite him, I'm going to watch it AGAIN!

Yes, people, I have officially, though hopefully only temporarily, defected to the other side of parenting- the one that all of us attachment parents have sneared and snubbed our noses at (see the Eight Principles of AP). This evening, after a frustrating forty minutes of holding and rocking and singing (while coughing and choking my way through "Crown Him" and "How Great Thou Art", two of my all-time favorite hymns), I placed Seth nicely in his crib and let him go bananas. I don't like doing this- somehow I've managed to parent three other kids without this measure of desperation or "sleep training" as it is commonly known, but I've also had a really really terrible year stemming in part from ignoring my needs as a mother. And for as much as I've been told to nip that bad habit in the bud, it is very hard to free yourself from the confines of this idea of all or nothing parenting. So lately I've been questioning some of my tendencies and tonight I decided that spending any more time in that rocker with my nineteen month-old, while putting aside the fact that I had meds to take and sleep to get was insanity. Of course, Seth didn't have that same "lightbulb moment" so he proceeded to freak for a good twenty minutes (maybe it was less- it seemed like forever). There is the danger, I guess, that he'll grow up with some insecurity as the result of my abandonment this evening, but my more stable brain tells me that the ninety percent stellar parenting and love that he receives around here will somehow compensate and we'll all be the better. After all, a mommy over the edge won't do him any good either so I might as well take care of myself. Tomorrow night, who knows, in exchange for holding Seth in the dark for two hours while he decides whether or not he is really ready for the land of nod, maybe I'll get to moisturize my face and scrub my weary feet for a while- one can only imagine.

Part of the struggle of my life right now is the sheer effort and energy it takes to adequately raise four kids- giving all some semblance of quality time and, well, my best. There is a lot of give give give and I lack in the areas of solitude, which I so desperately need. But my children are also a source of strength for me- they are why I do all that I do and they are my hope for the future in times of despair.

I walked into my kitchen and gazed out at the yard through my windows, where I saw snow falling with gusto AGAIN- and I let out a moan and a sigh. But Lily, bouncing through the room with a purse she's been sewing all day, said "yeah- Mommy- its snowing and that means if we go to the ice cream place we will all get free second scoops!!" So at this very moment, my husband and my oldest three kids are on their way to Bruesters,
to drown themselves in some delicious dairy delights,while I stay here with my sleeping Sethy. And for just a few minutes, I forgot to be miserable. :) So, here's to double scoops on snowy days!


PS And yes, they will be bringing mother and baby some treats home in to-go cups. Vanilla for Sethy and Peanut Butter Puddles for me. Yum-yum!

I found this chart and will be using it to plan my immediate relocation to anywhere but here- HERE BEING PITTSBURGH WHICH HAS ONLY 59 DAYS OF SUNSHINE A YEAR!!! YOU MUST BE KIDDING ME. 59 MEASLEY DAYS OUT OF 365- NO WONDER I'M CRAZY- NO WONDER, PEOPLE. I'm moving to Yuma- yep, that's where I'm going. I wonder if they have any jobs in Yuma- maybe we could just frolic in the bright skies all day long and live on cactus juice and paw-paw fruits. I bet Yuma has a few snakes, though. I'll have to ponder that for a while.

Sunny Days A Year-

YUMA,AZ 242
PHOENIX,AZ 211
LAS VEGAS,NV 210
BISHOP,CA 201
FRESNO,CA 194
EL PASO,TX 193
TUCSON,AZ 193
BAKERSFIELD,CA 191
SACRAMENTO,CA 188
LOS ANGELES C.O.,CA 186
STOCKTON,CA 184
WINSLOW,AZ 177
SANTA MARIA,CA 176
BLUE CANYON,CA 174
REDDING,CA 172
ROSWELL,NM 168
ALBUQUERQUE,NM 167
MIDLAND-ODESSA,TX 165
MOUNT SHASTA, CA 164
CLAYTON,NM 162
FLAGSTAFF,AZ 162
LUBBOCK,TX 160
SAN FRANCISCO AP,CA 160
LONG BEACH,CA 159
RENO,NV 158
AMARILLO,TX 157
SAN ANGELO,TX 154
MILFORD,UT 151
WICHITA FALLS,TX 151
ABILENE,TX 149
ALAMOSA,CO 148
LOS ANGELES AP,CA 147
SAN DIEGO,CA 146
GOODLAND,KS 143
OKLAHOMA CITY,OK 139
PUEBLO,CO 139
WINNEMUCCA,NV 138
DODGE CITY,KS 137
GRAND JUNCTION,CO 136
DALLAS-FORT WORTH,TX 135
CONCORDIA,KS 131
ELY,NV 131
KAHULUI,HI 131
ELKO,NV 130
WACO,TX 130
APALACHICOLA,FL 128
WICHITA,KS 128
COLORADO SPRINGS,CO 127
TULSA,OK 127
SEXTON SUMMIT,OR 126
SALT LAKE CITY,UT 125
FORT SMITH,AR 123
GRAND ISLAND,NE 123
VALENTINE,NE 123
DEL RIO,TX 121
GREENVILLE-SPARTANBURG AP,SC 121
WAKE ISLAND,PC 121
BOISE,ID 120
BURNS,OR 120
KANSAS CITY,MO 120
LITTLE ROCK,AR 119
TUPELO,MS 119
MEMPHIS,TN 118
LINCOLN,NE 117
MEDFORD,OR 117
NORFOLK,NE 117
AUSTIN,TX 115
COLUMBIA,SC 115
DENVER,CO 115
NORTH PLATTE,NE 115
SCOTTSBLUFF,NE 115
SPRINGFIELD,MO 115
LANDER,WY 114
SHREVEPORT,LA 114
TOPEKA,KS 114
ATHENS,GA 113
CAIRO,IL 113
AUGUSTA,GA 112
LYNCHBURG,VA 112
MACON,GA 112
JACKSON,MS 111
OMAHA EPPLEY AP,NE 111
RALEIGH,NC 111
RAPID CITY,SD 111
WILMINGTON,NC 111
ATLANTA,GA 110
COLUMBUS,GA 110
OMAHA (NORTH),NE 110
CAPE HATTERAS,NC 109
CHARLOTTE,NC 109
GREENSBORO-WNSTN-SALM-HGHPT,NC 109
OAK RIDGE,TN 109
YAKIMA,WA 109
MERIDIAN,MS 108
CASPER,WY 107
MONTGOMERY,AL 107
NEW YORK C.PARK,NY 107
CHEYENNE,WY 106
NORFOLK,VA 106
POCATELLO,ID 106
BALTIMORE,MD 105
DES MOINES,IA 105
PENSACOLA,FL 105
SAN ANTONIO,TX 105
SIOUX FALLS,SD 105
CHATTANOOGA,TN 104
COLUMBIA,MO 104
HURON,SD 104
KEY WEST,FL 104
SAVANNAH,GA 104
SIOUX CITY,IA 104
SPRINGFIELD,IL 104
CHARLESTON AP,SC 102
CORPUS CHRISTI,TX 102
EVANSVILLE,IN 102
MOBILE,AL 102
NASHVILLE,TN 102
ROANOKE,VA 102
TALLAHASSEE,FL 102
ABERDEEN,SD 101
MOLINE,IL 101
NEW ORLEANS,LA 101
PADUCAH,KY 101
PENDLETON,OR 101
PORTLAND,ME 101
ST.LOUIS,MO 101
TAMPA,FL 101
HUNTSVILLE,AL 100
KOTZEBUE,AK 100
RICHMOND,VA 100
ASHEVILLE,NC 99
BATON ROUGE,LA 99
BIRMINGHAM AP,AL 99
BRIDGEPORT,CT 99
JOHNSTON ISLAND,PC 99
BLOCK IS.,RI 98
BOSTON,MA 98
FORT MYERS,FL 98
LAKE CHARLES,LA 98
NEW YORK (JFK AP),NY 98
PROVIDENCE,RI 98
DAYTONA BEACH,FL 97
KNOXVILLE,TN 97
SAINT CLOUD,MN 97
WILMINGTON,DE 97
BROWNSVILLE,TX 96
NEW YORK (LAGUARDIA AP),NY 96
WASHINGTON NAT'L AP,D.C. 96
LA CROSSE,WI 95
MINNEAPOLIS-ST.PAUL,MN 95
PEORIA,IL 95
PORT ARTHUR,TX 95
SHERIDAN,WY 95
ALLENTOWN,PA 94
ATLANTIC CITY AP,NJ 94
JACKSONVILLE,FL 94
BISMARCK,ND 93
LOUISVILLE,KY 93
NEWARK,NJ 93
PHILADELPHIA,PA 93
ROCKFORD,IL 93
WILLISTON,ND 93
DUBUQUE,IA 92
WASHINGTON DULLES AP,D.C. 92
LEWISTON,ID 91
NOME,AK 91
WATERLOO,IA 91
CONCORD,NH 90
HONOLULU,HI 90
HOUSTON,TX 90
MILWAUKEE,WI 90
WORCESTER,MA 90
BILLINGS,MT 89
LEXINGTON,KY 89
MADISON,WI 89
ORLANDO,FL 89
BRISTOL-JHNSN CTY-KNGSPRT,TN 88
FARGO,ND 88
INDIANAPOLIS,IN 88
HARRISBURG,PA 87
BETTLES,AK 86
GLASGOW,MT 86
ROCHESTER,MN 86
SPOKANE,WA 86
VICTORIA,TX 86
GREEN BAY,WI 85
MIDDLETOWN/HARRISBURG INTL APT 85
CHICAGO,IL 84
UNALAKLEET,AK 83
HARTFORD,CT 82
HELENA,MT 82
GREATER CINCINNATI AP 81
GREAT FALLS,MT 79
FORT WAYNE,IN 78
DAYTON,OH 77
DULUTH,MN 77
EUREKA,CA. 77
SALEM,OR 77
INTERNATIONAL FALLS,MN 76
DETROIT,MI 75
EUGENE,OR 75
MISSOULA,MT 75
MUSKEGON,MI 75
WEST PALM BEACH,FL 75
MIAMI,FL 74
JACKSON,KY 73
MANSFIELD,OH 73
SAN JUAN,PR 73
SOUTH BEND,IN 73
TOLEDO,OH 73
COLUMBUS,OH 72
LANSING,MI 71
SEATTLE C.O.,WA 71
AVOCA,PA 70
FAIRBANKS,AK 70
KALISPELL,MT 70
ALBANY,NY 69
AKRON,OH 68
PORTLAND,OR 68
ALPENA,MI 67
GULKANA,AK 67
MCGRATH,AK 67
TALKEETNA,AK 67
WILLIAMSPORT,PA 67
BARROW,AK 66
CLEVELAND,OH 66
FLINT,MI 66
SAULT STE.MARIE,MI 66
CHARLESTON,WV 65
HOMER,AK 65
HOUGHTON LAKE,MI 65
GRAND RAPIDS,MI 64
ERIE,PA 63
HUNTINGTON,WV 63
SYRACUSE,NY 63
YOUNGSTOWN,OH 63
BETHEL,AK 62
ANCHORAGE,AK 61
ROCHESTER,NY 61
BECKLEY,WV 60
BIG DELTA,AK 60
CARIBOU,ME 59
KODIAK,AK 59
PITTSBURGH,PA 59
BURLINGTON,VT 58
SEATTLE SEA-TAC AP,WA 58
VALDEZ,AK 58
LIHUE,HI 56
BUFFALO,NY 54
BARTERIS.,AK 53
BINGHAMTON,NY 52
OLYMPIA,WA 52
KING SALMON,AK 51
QUILLAYUTE,WA 51
ASTORIA,OR 50
ELKINS,WV 48
MT.WASHINGTON,NH 45
JUNEAU,AK 44
YAKUTAT,AK 41
ANNETTE,AK 40
HILO,HI 36
KWAJALEIN,MARSHALL IS.,PC 18
ST.PAUL ISLAND,AK 18
GUAM,PC 16
PAGO PAGO, AMER SAMOA,PC 13
COLD BAY,AK 10
MAJURO,MARSHALL IS,PC 8
YAP,W CAROLINE IS.,PC 5
KOROR,PC 4
POHNPEI,CAROLINE IS.,PC 2
CHUUK,E.CAROLINE IS.,PC 0









Source of Information: National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), National Climatic Data Center

For those of you who have been regular followers of this dandy diary o' mine for any length of time, you are well aware of the fact that I am totally hooked on decorating porn (Mary Anne- I love you so- thanks for giving me that term. It is right on, sister). I cannot get enough of HGTV (porn TV) and magazines like Southern Living (courtesy of my Ma-In-Law, Rose) Better Homes & Gardens, and anything else that will give me the graphic details of how to make my home more perfect than it is. Unfortunately, this habit of mine feeds into a real lack of contentment with reality and I struggle with accepting things as they are and constantly wanting a more ideal space. Three weeks ago, when we arrived home from our holiday travels, Tom and I immediately set about rearranging the house to achieve a more reasonable bedroom lay-out for our children. Basically, we live in an uber cute stone bungalow, circa 1937, chalk full of character but lacking the serious square footage needed to raise four children, three of whom are boys, one of whom is a nut and must be in constant motion- preferably in mid-air. Though I am constantly reminding myself that our brothers and sisters in third-world countries live in much meager abodes- a/k/a mud-huts the size of my laundry area, and seem to get by just fine, I find little comfort in these truths. Well, people, my mental state didn't handle the switch very well, and suddenly I found myself in major anxiety mode over my one year-old's new room being two shades of purple (he got Lily's bedroom) and my master suite being the family room with ripped up carpet and an assortment of beat-up worn-out furniture that we can't seem to get rid of. But Lily has a much better set-up, as do Benjamin and Liam- so it really had to be done. For a week after the big move, I sat crying to Tom that we just had to paint Seth's room- he COULD NOT sleep in a purple bedroom (and NO LINDA- WE ARE NOT COVERING THE WALLS WITH MATCHING PICTURES OF PRINCE OR BARNEY!!), and we had to get new carpeting and fix the garage as a playspace once and for all and the furniture needed to match and I was just not going to be well until it was fixed. Then I took some klonopin and settled down a bit. Now, I'm sitting in my baby's room, surrounded by those awful purple walls, and I'm feeling a bit shaky, like at any moment I could really lose it, then I talk myself into numbness by saying- just let go of pretty and get on with it, JUDY, the fine living police won't be here any time soon (except they live in my head and are constantly threatening punishment for the sins of our current decor). My utopia resides in a pottery barn catalog, with a little bit of Restoration Hardware sprinkled hither and yon. I would like to end this post with some happy cliche' that I've wrapped around my troubled mind- but no, instead I will continue to dream that I can walk away from all of this and start over in a house that makes sense, in a climate of no extremes, with sparse amounts of good-looking furnishings and walls painted a nice shade of neutral beige.

I've been avoiding the blogosphere lately- distracted by other priorities in my life- and a little of that familiar evil known as mother-guilt: you know the one- that little voice that tells you that if you choose your blog over your middle child's sudden urge to play the "Pirates of the Carribbean" version of LIFE,
you will, no doubt, be doomed to bad-mommy pergatory, or worse, the emotional collapse of this same son, once he's thirty and laying on the couch in his shrink's office and he pours forth each one of your bad choices that have done him harm. So....I played LIFE about eighteen times this weekend and ignored you...so sorry.

Here are some highlights from the last few days: *My baby slept through the night last night (which he hasn't done for months, I think)****I fell asleep without the help of Ambien,
my current addiction, much like crack for those of us who become immediately psycho when deprived of slumber. I've been taking it on and off since the birth of my fourth child. When first we met, ol' Ambien and I, I thought it a miracle from the heavens- I hadn't gotten such good zzz's in years, maybe decades. But alas, nine months of this particular benzodiazapine, and I'm leary and rather uncomfortable with a life revolving around dependance on pills smaller than a tic-tac, not to mention the utter humiliation of having to call my Dr. every month and whisper to the grouchy receptionist that I need a refill- hoping, fingers crossed, that she won't call back and say "what the hell's wrong with you lady- no way! we're cutting you off!" Did I mention that I took Benadryl instead? Is that addictive? Well, its cheaper anyway, right?**** I've been doing the "Wii Fit" everyday (almost) for about a week now, 60 minutes a pop. When I first heard of this gizmo, a year ago, I laughed my fat a$# off to think of the stupid people who would be getting their exercise courtesy of a Nintendo. Now I'm banking my health and welfare on it and have to say, that in this miserable climate of Western Pennsylvania, it is the best method I have to try and whiddle down this body of mine to something more acceptable than it currently is. When I first step on the Balance Board,
it makes a moan, which I can only assume is its way of letting me know that it feels the pain of my current girth and is hoping I kick it into high-gear so this is only a temporary condition- then it gives me my BMI, which, by the way, is horrible but still in the range that certain Asian countries would find passable in order to adopt a child from them (in case you were interested, and NOT that I'm adopting- I just know these things- and those Asians don't want any REAL fatties to be taking their precious babes across the Pacific- so they have a BMI limit- no kidding). Then my TV screen goes on to spill the beans on my weight, which fluctuates like the wind, and can make or break my day, people. Then I spend a full hour, because I am determined or a nut, sweating it out- appearing a whole lot like Bridget Jones
might on the same contraption- flustered and angry and sloppy as can be. But I do the LOOOOOOOOOOOONG runs, and ten whole minutes of
hoola-hooping (don't knock it 'til you've tried it- totally crazy and exhausting- and you look like a real dumbass to boot), then I go for the boxing challenge for another ten minutes- to which Benjamin always comments "Mommy- why you look so angry when you boxing, Mommy? You mad, Mommy? You look mean, Mommy." Then I alternate with some strength training, which makes me realize just how out of shape I am, as I trip and fall over the board while trying to stand on one foot while tossing the other in mid-air.****Lily has been playing some weird boy-kissing-dare game at school with her buds which makes me laugh and her father cringe. She claims not to have made contact with any of the boys, all of whom she says are totally disgusting, but I'm having my doubts. And she's looking more beautiful by the day- and I find myself just staring at her, thinking to myself that Tom and I must have some good breeding chemistry or something....****Liam has a perforated eardrum, which sounds gross, but he loves the taste of amoxycillin so he seems to have some extra spring in his step now that he gets to drink it twice a day. Lookin' a little like his nut-job addict mother, eh? amoxycillin? Come on, kid, there's gotta be a better treat than that! But Friday, when I had to take him to our fab-o pediatrician, Liam and I had a lot of laughs and stellar bonding time, just us and Sethy. So maybe the gross ear thing was worth it?****Tom and I watched a hilarious Cohen brothers flick this evening- Burn after Reading- total laugh out loud kind of stuff- and if you've never heard my hubby when he's enjoying a good comedy- well, he's a real dork- people in the theater actually turn around and stare when he laughs- its really embarassing. Thank God for pay-per-view.****And last, but not least, I'm reading a book right now called "See You In A Hundred Years" by Logan Ward,
which chronicles a year in the life of he and his family as they turn their backs on swanky Manhattan life to live on a farm in Virginia, using only what was available in 1900. I'm just finishing the prologue (no small feat for a mother of four, might I add), and I'm already ditching my dream of agriculture heaven, as Mr. Ward spends the entirety of many pages discussing the plethora of snakes he encounters in the first few days of living in the Shenandoah valley. I told Tom, who also dreams of this farm utopia, that the only place we're pitching our forks is Alaska- because it is the only state in the U.S. that is free of those slithering vermen reptiles. Then my thoughtful husband reminded me that the twenty-four hours a day of darkness, for six months a year, might not partner well with my Seasonal Affective Disorder. Oh, forget it, friends. Suburbia it is.

Well, the Benadryl is kicking-in tonight so I'm gonna let you all go while I drift off into some happy dreams.

My husband is on his third business trip in the last seven days. Granny (my mom) is still here (and tonight, very generously sleeping with Benjamin in the bunkbed to attempt to keep him from waking me in the night). She and I have both been battling the inevitable winter colds, while the kids have been off of school since last Friday, due to frigid temps then the obvious Monday celebration for Dr. King, and Tuesday- an "in-service" day. We're all going a bit bonkers with the snow (about 6-8 inches) and cold, though personally, I would be totally content to slink under my covers and hibernate for the next few months. The South is becoming more tempting as the hours go by and I'm staring out into a gray horizon. Pittsburgh is rated one of the top places to raise kids----they should add the caveat, however, "if you don't have seasonal affective disorder." If so- RUN RUN RUN-- far away.

So if any of you, dear readers, know of ANY TOWN, where the sun shines more than not, and the temps stay above fifty year-round, email me immediately.

I got tagged in a meme from my bud Bonnie Dougherty, so here goes:

1. Four places that I go to over and over:
Giant Eagle, Red White & Blue Thrift Store, The Public Library, and Washington Elementary School
2. Four people who e-mail me: Kim Rhoton, Natasha Williams, Stacey Walls, Debbie Gatuso
3. Four of my favorite places to eat: Bangkok Balcony in Squirrel Hill, Jerry's Seafood in Seabrook, Maryland, Austin Grill in Silver Spring, Maryland, and Nakama on Carson Street.
4. Four places I would rather be right now: in a hotel in D.C. with my husband-hands down, in Colorado or Oregon visiting my large but warm family, in a monastery having a writer's weekend, on a girl's weekend with my favorite femmes-ANYWHERE.
5. Four TV shows I watch: Ace of Cakes, Divine Design with Candace Olsen, American Idol, Jon & Kate Plus Eight.

My husband is away on business- which is the bain of my existence and certainly no help to my present state of mind. Anyway, I generally cope pretty well during his absence, with two exceptions- bedtime and the hours between midnight and 6am. As those of you who follow this blog know by now- my son Benjamin, who is now six, doesn't exactly behave in the most stellar of ways for his parents, and slumber does not come easily for him, or for us, as a result.

Last night, as my mother, who flew in to help out, was bathing Seth, my three oldest kids and I were playing the excruciating but addicting game of Flippin' Frogs (just when you thought you could do anything in life- along came this dumb game to show you that getting frogs into the branches of a tree while it spins around in a fury is beyond your capabilities) and Ben went into a tirade-throwing things and basically being your worst nightmare, because, for once, he lost. In a nutshell, he and I ended up in a bedtime battle, with him losing about one hundred privileges ("mommy- WHAT is a PRIVILEGE anyway?!!!!") and me getting ready to commit a serious felony. So, at that point, as I'm laying next to him in bed, lights out, and he's blowing raspberries and huffing and puffing about his miserable life, he exclaims "MOMMY- YOU.....YOU.....YOU GONNA BE A WEIRD GRANDMA!!! THAT'S RIGHT MOMMY- YOU GONNA BE A STUPID, WEIRD GRANDMA." And despite all the will-power I could muster at that point, I broke out in a huge fit of laughter- which Benjamin did not think was very amusing. But the fact that those were the words he was using to get back at me for all of my horrible parenting last night- was hilarious.

It is during the times of my deepest despair that I pray to a God I so want to believe in. I ask for deliverance from the pain I am experiencing- and then the pain keeps coming and I think I need to give up. But my answers arrive, in a different way than I imagine- and they are brought to me by the angels he has placed in my life. Because of them, I am able to forge enough hope together to be grateful for the souls in my life who make my living possible and whose love takes my demons and forces them to fight for the right to overcome me.

-to my husband who has stoicly stood by me through my suffering, who does not comprehend it but attempts to cure it, at all costs. you are my all and I wouldn't want to endure any of this without you.
-to Linda Mitchell who called to find me in pieces, immediately and without question, closed her gallery mid-day, gathered hope for me where I could find none, fixed Ben lunch before school, drove Seth and I to the pediatrician, then took my two big boys for the night so Tom and I could have only one child interrupting our sleep. Words do not exist to thank you for that. Quid pro Quo
-to Natasha Williams who knows- and the knowing is the rock that I cling to- I see your face in my darkest hours and I know that I've got an army in your spirit pulling for me and giving me strength that goes beyond any earthly measures.
-to Missy Cuddy Kozar- for things I cannot devulge in this most public of places but whose tough love and ubiquitous four-letter-words have spurred me on this week. The demand that I join the "Oldaker Stalkers" Club in the stands of the Lebo Girls Basketball Game was just what I needed last night- I'm proud to be your newest inductee- misery loves company.
-to Kim Rhoton- why you go to the ends of the earth and back for me I will never understand, but you do and I am so proud to stand by your side. You amaze me.
-for Donna Dinardo and Hailey Gbur for shuttling my kids to and from school in this most frigid of temperatures. Seth would not be getting the rest he so desperately needs during his most recent bout with the flu and I would be a little crazier too. You are the best neighbors ever. You are my family. I love you both.
-to my mother who has committed to flying here sometime in the next four days to help out. I wouldn't have asked myself, and I wish my husband hadn't called you, but I know that we will gain strength from your visit. :) love you, mom.
-to Lori Martin Lee- for finding me after all these years and for bothering to reach out in the blogosphere and on Facebook.
-for Christine Bosworth Kennedy- God was watching when you sent me that message yesterday and he knew that I needed your support, even after twenty-seven years. I have never stopped looking for you and I know the miracle of your presence now.
-Renee Turner-Leathem- for your willingness to fly here on a moments notice. I will take you up on it one of these days. Thanks for sticking by me when I am such a pain in the butt. "Life is a crack-pipe" and "you are working my hole".
-to my tribe on Facebook who noticed my pleas and came through with the prayers. Your kind words are a gift.

I am also grateful for our most basic needs being met- the heat in this harsh winter weather, our home and our amazing community, the school my children rely on five days a week and the teachers who bother to care for them, the crossing guards (esp. Elaine) who keep us safe and greet us with such kind words, my vehicles that are running, and my generally healthy children who force me to look at things more simply and love me in spite of my gross imperfections.

depression is isolating- while the rest of the world is twirling about in the capsule of their lives, which appears, from the outside anyway, to be joyful and purposeful, I stare out into a numbness of gray and my reality becomes foggy and dreary and there is no one who can come take this from me, share it like an icecream sundae or a good book. its mine to trod through alone. and maybe that is the hardest part of my days right now. the loneliness and fear- God, I just want to feel normal again. I had somehow tricked myself into believing that the events of last spring and summer were contained within themselves and locked away in a crevice of my history, never to appear again. Things were under control and going as they should be- not paradise or perfection- just your basic life as a parent. And now, its here again- rearing its ugly head- like a bad dream. And with every breath I take, every minute that goes by, I am working- HARD- to live- to keep up appearances and make my children's lives as normal as possible. I am working like a fiend to try and forget the heaviness in my head, the nervousness in the pit of my stomach, the organic bewilderment, that comes not from some catastrophy or sadness or disappointment- it is there, with its roots grasping the very soil my soul resides in, tangling itself among my common sense, my reasoning, my optimism, my goals and my dreams. and I just want it to GO A-W-A-Y!!

In my dreamworld- the place my mind wanders during sweet slumber under cozy covers on cold sheets- I bid adieu to 2008 and frolic into 2009 with a renewed sense of urgency to serve. As many of you know, I've just turned my back on a year which saw me struggling to live with the sorrows and tumult of post-partum depression and the misery which it leaves in its wake. Through all of my heartache and loneliness, I was amazingly blessed with more love and support than I ever thought possible- allowing me to crawl through those depths of despair, not with ease, but with dignity. And now as the light begins to shine through the crevices of my broken spirit, I am determined to take all of your encouragement and create a place where others may see their own journey through this horrific illness as one that is possible- one that finds healing in mysterious yet miraculous ways- one that is hopeful rather than hopeless.

During the days of my greatest torment, there were no moments where I could phathom even remotely, how any of my pain could have a purpose- it was death defying and frightening and gutwrenching and senseless. And the chaos that followed seemed almost laughable- And as much as I have tried, so desperately, to separate myself from it, to move past it and onto much more "normal" endeavors, I have come to realize that perhaps I need to take what I have and make it my own- instead of circling around in this frenzy of "what do I want to be when I grow up" maybe I am supposed to see that I'm already her- I am already equipped with all I need, to do exactly what God has planned for me. The gifts are in my struggles not my successes.

So, friends, I resolve to take the trials of 2008 and make them my contributions to 2009- to find providence in my calamities- to make a difference in the lives of those trodding down the path in the shoes I've worn.

I feel that I am on the cusp of something great- days in which I will serve with the strength that I have received and it is fantastic to know that the events of my life in the past year will not have been in vain.

Cheers