Sunday, September 19, 2010
Happys For My Weekend
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| Ewan Eliezer Petermann How Great Thou Art |
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| Yours Truly at the Bankgkok Balcony - courtesy of Tom |
*laps around the stadium, in the dark, with a neighbor, bringing a whole new meaning to Friday Night Lights
*waterballoons
*Ewan Eliezer Petermann and the fact that every kid in my family cared that that kid made it into the world okay...
*Nanny McPhee, the original
*reading Diary of A Wimpy Kid, out loud, to my not-so-wimpy kid, and laughing hysterically, to the point where he thought I was very weird, and asked me to stop.
*the return of canned pumpkin to the grocery store, and the 48 muffins that followed, deliciously, from my oven. My children may have an overdose of vitamin A.
*Thai with my husband-alone.*Lily and Liam Sombar
*getting to watch the Redskins, here in Pittsburgh, because their game went into over-time, and the network switched over in the last few minutes (I will not mention how they lost in a most stressful way).
Sometimes When We Give To Others
Sometimes when we give to others, the blessings flow back to us in such abundance that it takes our breath away. Such a thing happened to me this weekend- my sons bringing me an envelope filled with old newspaper clippings, prayers, and inspirations, from a neighbor, who had been collecting them on my behalf- knowing that, right now, amongst my many moments of joy, are times of deep, deep worry. I read this one over and over. Maybe you could use it too.
Enjoy.
How Much More Will The Father Give
1) Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.
2) Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.
3) Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.
4) Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.
5) Only for today, I will devote ten minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.
6) Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.
7) Only for today, I will do at least one thing that I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.
8) Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.
9) Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.
10) Only for today, I will have no fears, in particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for twelve hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.
Blessed John XXIII
Enjoy.
How Much More Will The Father Give
1) Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.
2) Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.
3) Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.
4) Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.
5) Only for today, I will devote ten minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.
6) Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.
7) Only for today, I will do at least one thing that I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.
8) Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.
9) Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.
10) Only for today, I will have no fears, in particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for twelve hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.
Blessed John XXIII
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Pajama Day
Today is "Pajama Day" at the elementary school where my two oldests boys attend. My fourth grader, Liam, has decided that this tradition will be going on without his participation-"Yeah, I am NOT wearing pajamas to school, MOMMY!!" Benjamin, however, who is in second grade, could not wait for this privilege, donning a comfy yet cool red thermal Star Wars get-up. Once we began walking, Ben got a little nervous, though, and kept asking me to assure him that it was indeed pajama day- the obvious embarassment he would face, given some mistake on my part, beginning to concern him.
Ben has quite a few friends in the upper grades, which he normally thinks is fantastic, especially when they include him in their football games on the playground. But this morning, upon his arrival in front of the school, they laughed at him and his p.j.'s- and we all know how that feels, friends...so he ran after me- crying his eyes out.
Whew!
Monday, September 13, 2010
A Letter To My Husband
Dear Tom,
How do I begin? This isn't what we planned, is it? Our scrapbook of days begun with passionate words and open hearts, thirteen years ago-on a beach, in Delaware-me in the white dress (off-white, custom-fit for a very pregnant bride), you in the tux... It isn't quite what we bargained for- that "for better or for worse" stuff seemed more benign when we said it back then- more "in theory...."
Right now there are times when it seems that we are coaching a team that has no chance of winning. And we can't replace the players...even if we wanted to. We have moments where we're going down at the line of scrimmage- and I want to just walk away. I want to take the bonus from another franchise- give it a shot somewhere else- where my dirt isn't layered on the field, where my record can be expunged- wiped clean, where I haven't fumbled and missed so many plays. To punt and start over and over and over seems so arduous- so hopeless.
How do I begin? This isn't what we planned, is it? Our scrapbook of days begun with passionate words and open hearts, thirteen years ago-on a beach, in Delaware-me in the white dress (off-white, custom-fit for a very pregnant bride), you in the tux... It isn't quite what we bargained for- that "for better or for worse" stuff seemed more benign when we said it back then- more "in theory...."Had we seen the life that lay before us, would we have taken the risk or run screaming in the other direction ( or worse, in two separate directions)? Would we have bothered? Or would we have cut our losses? Losses...Losses.
Right now there are times when it seems that we are coaching a team that has no chance of winning. And we can't replace the players...even if we wanted to. We have moments where we're going down at the line of scrimmage- and I want to just walk away. I want to take the bonus from another franchise- give it a shot somewhere else- where my dirt isn't layered on the field, where my record can be expunged- wiped clean, where I haven't fumbled and missed so many plays. To punt and start over and over and over seems so arduous- so hopeless.
But here's the thing- when I go to bed at night, when I wake up in the morning, and when I go through the dailiness of my life, with the beings we have created, I want you there. I want you there like I wanted you there when we were younger, thinner, more adventurous, reckless and wonderful, financially comfortable, fun....when every moment of our existence didn't have to be poked at, prodded and planned, the very minutia of details discussed and disected- when there was freedom around every corner- freedom we took for granted... Even in the depths of the ditches, when nothing seems to be going as it should, it is you and your face and your quirks and imperfections that I long for- it is you that I want to call when I have something exciting to share or something goes right in my day. It is you that I want to cry on when there are so many disappointments and I feel I can't go on any longer. It is you that I want to navigate with, through this storm, to calmer waters- one day...It is your greying hair, amongst the peach fuzz, that I want leaning close to me- right now, and thirteen years from now, then thirteen years more, and then some....
Being with you, on any given day, at any given hour, at any given moment, when the going is good, and when the going is bad, is still better than any other story-line I may have conjured up, since the minute I fell in love with you, so long ago.
So here I am- beat up, worn-out, exhausted, junk-in-the trunk, self-centered, self-indulgent, full of grief and anger sometimes, nearly out of my mind all of the time, but with the same hopes and dreams, the same affection, the same contagious sense of humor, and the same drop-dead determination that I had when I was walking down the sand- that morning- September 14th, 1997. But now I stand before you with a much deeper love- one with more maturity, more grace, more wisdom- one that has been tried and tested and battled and won, over and over again. Today this love is less of the fairy tale and more of the real.
And today, of all days, I choose you, all over again.
With everything I have,
JudyThursday, September 9, 2010
23rd Place
In the land of parents who take credit for their kids' first place ribbons, honor roll membership, and accelerated status, with bumper stickers who will proudly tell you all about it, I'd like to offer an alternative post of sorts. My daughter's cross-country team had their first scrimmage today, with an opposing school district. As I picked her up, so to speak, with Seth in the jogging stroller, she came running towards me- "Mommy, guess what? I came in 23rd!" For many of you, this would seem to be some sort of ill-placed pride. Maybe laughable. But here is what 23rd means tonight. 23rd means that Lily, despite all of her anxiety and fear, did join the team, never having "run" a day in her life. 23rd means that for the last ten days, she has practiced, every day, after school, for at least an hour, running in some of the hottest weather we have had this season. 23rd means that not ever did my daughter utter one negative word, one cry of defeat, one morsel of woe. 23rd means that she did not quit when her legs were sore, when her head was pounding, and when she was beat up, beaten down, and drenched with sweat. 23rd means that this girl of mine gave it all the guts she could muster which also means that she's got more going for her, right now, than most of the rest of us. 23rd means that she was not last- the worst case scenario that we discussed, as I encouraged her for two hours, in our living room, almost three weeks ago ("but what if I'm the worst?" she cried. "Well," I said "so you are the worst, but you keep practicing and one day you won't be." I think there's some law of physics or philosophy that says that, right?)But 23- now that is the sweetness that made all of the hours after I heard it, tolerable and hopeful- my arms around her- inhaling that courage- giving up all of my love in one breath- "you, my wonderful baby girl, you AMAZE ME and I think 23 is fantastic."
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Harriet Tubman Part 2: Only In The Life Of A Sombar
Okay- I just have to tell this little story....as a side note to my ramblings about ol' Harriet, earlier today.
My children were playing some carnival games this afternoon. You know the ones- you spend an absurd amount of cash to maybe go home with a stuffed animal, or a blow-up machine gun, most likely made in some sweat shop somewhere....but these are the moments our kids will remember....so we do it anyway...
Well, Lily had popped a balloon in the dart game so she got to choose a framed picture....and here is where the story gets dicey....My daughter is not the most decisive human being on the planet, and there was a line, and the dude behind the counter was beginning to look unamused....so she grabbed something....
Oh boy....you know this is going to be good, right?!
She turned around and handed me a Confederate Flag. A CONFEDERATE FLAG, PEOPLE!!! (AND ONE WHICH SAID "GET 'ER DONE", to make matters worse)....I nearly collapsed in horror, immediately forcing her to return the prize for a more appropriate replacement (her choices were rather slim- a playboy bunny silhouette, a John Deere tractor...your basic nightmare).
In her defense, of course, Lily had no idea what that flag represents- she knows about racism, from a historical perspective, but she's grown up away from the kind of folks who might find the display of such a symbol to be a nice decorative touch to their homes or their mudflaps or their bandannas. She was a bit confused by my negative reaction, though not after the impromptu civil rights lesson we had on the sidelines, a few minutes later.
Yesterday, when I first glanced over at this particular game booth, and saw the picture of the flag, I quipped to my husband "who would want that? don't they know this is 2010 and Confederate Flags are hateful? what is wrong with people?" And here we nearly ended up with one.....
Lily is now the proud owner of a Robert Pattinson (from the Twilight series)photograph, which she claims not to like....but I think I know better than that.
My children were playing some carnival games this afternoon. You know the ones- you spend an absurd amount of cash to maybe go home with a stuffed animal, or a blow-up machine gun, most likely made in some sweat shop somewhere....but these are the moments our kids will remember....so we do it anyway...
Well, Lily had popped a balloon in the dart game so she got to choose a framed picture....and here is where the story gets dicey....My daughter is not the most decisive human being on the planet, and there was a line, and the dude behind the counter was beginning to look unamused....so she grabbed something....
Oh boy....you know this is going to be good, right?!
She turned around and handed me a Confederate Flag. A CONFEDERATE FLAG, PEOPLE!!! (AND ONE WHICH SAID "GET 'ER DONE", to make matters worse)....I nearly collapsed in horror, immediately forcing her to return the prize for a more appropriate replacement (her choices were rather slim- a playboy bunny silhouette, a John Deere tractor...your basic nightmare).
In her defense, of course, Lily had no idea what that flag represents- she knows about racism, from a historical perspective, but she's grown up away from the kind of folks who might find the display of such a symbol to be a nice decorative touch to their homes or their mudflaps or their bandannas. She was a bit confused by my negative reaction, though not after the impromptu civil rights lesson we had on the sidelines, a few minutes later.
Yesterday, when I first glanced over at this particular game booth, and saw the picture of the flag, I quipped to my husband "who would want that? don't they know this is 2010 and Confederate Flags are hateful? what is wrong with people?" And here we nearly ended up with one.....
Lily is now the proud owner of a Robert Pattinson (from the Twilight series)photograph, which she claims not to like....but I think I know better than that.
Moses
I am an avid reader of children's books. Over the years, I have amassed a rather nice collection of them. One of my favorites is Moses-When Harriet Tubman Led Her People to Freedom by Carol Boston Weatherford. I'd bought it a number of years ago after seeing the cover from across the room at our local Barnes & Noble- the beauty of it gripped me and was unlike any I'd ever seen (Kadir Nelson is, in my opinion, one of the most gifted illustrators....everything he paints is breathtaking).
Benjamin found this book, in a random stack, the other night, and asked me to read it for his bedtime story. I thought this request rather unusual, given his other choices (like T is for Touchdown, or the current issue of Sports Illustrated for Kids), but I obliged. And in the fifteen or so minutes it took me to read it, with about eighteen different interruptions, I uncovered some solid, if not mind-boggling, inspiration.
Benjamin found this book, in a random stack, the other night, and asked me to read it for his bedtime story. I thought this request rather unusual, given his other choices (like T is for Touchdown, or the current issue of Sports Illustrated for Kids), but I obliged. And in the fifteen or so minutes it took me to read it, with about eighteen different interruptions, I uncovered some solid, if not mind-boggling, inspiration.When I was in elementary school, Harriet Tubman was one of just two (just two....) black people that we learned about in history. Every year it was the same summary- she was from Maryland, she escaped slavery and led other people to freedom via the Underground Railroad....blah blah blah.
But- friends, I have got to tell you- when you read the details of this woman's life, you are not only humbled into a pile of dust at your feet (my aforementioned anxiety holds not a candle....) but you are utterly dumbfounded by her will to accomplish feats so incredible that the rest of humanity may as well hang it up.
Harriet Tubman was born into slavery, in the early 1800s, and, at age seven (SEVEN!), she was forced to rock her master's baby, day and night. If the baby cried- she was whipped. I could just stop there. That's enough. She's a hero- if I'd been whipped every time one of my babies cried, I'd have died, though the baby may have died first because at seven years old, I would not have been that capable (I barely felt capable at 27). But I digress.....A short time later, Harriet Tubman, after refusing to tie-up another slave who had attempted to run-away, sustained a blow to the head by a two-pound weight, as punishment, leaving her with a lifetime of severe headaches, dizzy spells, fainting, and bouts of speechlessness....And we haven't even gotten to the part where she walks nearly ninety miles, barefoot, to Philadelphia, then turns around and makes the trip, with a $40,000 bounty on her noggen, eighteen more times. She helped to free over three hundred human beings- uh huh...yep.
So there I was, laying beside ding-bat #5 (our term of affection, sometimes, for our third born), trying not to assault him in any fashion as he is standing, on his head, on the bed, making fart noises, my patience wearing thin, and I'm hearing myself, repeat, several times, "Benjamin- BENJAMIN- are you paying attention? Ben- BEN?- are you listening to this story? because this woman was great and if you and Mommy could be even a little bit like her, we would be doin' somethin'. Benjamin- BENJAMIN!!
So, in your spare time...if you are needing a good boost...and you can't decide between eating a bowl of ice cream or going to the gym...read about the life of Harriet Tubman. It will renew your faith in the human condition, in women, in our ability to persevere through even the toughest of circumstances and strengthen the idea that if you put your mind to something- you really can change the world.
Whispers at Dawn
My therapist told me, during one visit early this summer, that in order to bring peace to my mind I had to focus on the "what is" rather than the "what if." Little did I know how much I would need that gem of wisdom so soon thereafter-
After a particularly rough night, this past Monday, I woke up Tuesday morning, before sunrise, to my husband snoring at my back. My heart was running a marathon, the tingling had begun, and my mind was speeding by me so fast that I couldn't catch what it was saying- except that we were in trouble. It was still dark outside of my bedroom window, but the sky had begun its chameleon shift into shades of lighter blue, pink, maybe lavender. And, in that moment I knew what I had to do- I knew that there was no way I could face the day ahead of me unless I got a hold of those thoughts and changed them. So I kindly nudged Tom- "Baby.....Baby.....Baby...I need you....Baby...I need you to tell me what is..please just tell me what is? baby.because I can't remember and I need to know right now- right now." "Judy- we have a good family- the family we wanted. we love each other and we are good together. We've got issues to overcome but they are easier than they seem right now. You are a great mother- Are you perfect? No. But you're great- and you can't see that when your mind is spinning- but I can and the kids can. We chose these children. And they are going to be fine. Some of them have problems-no doubt. But you are working hard on getting them reasonable solutions- and right now, that is all you can do. Judy- I love you, and we are going to be okay. We are already okay-better than okay, in fact. We are strong when we are together, we love our kids and they know that- and everything else we are going to figure out. "
Armed with that, I got up and made it through my Tuesday, though almost every day since then I have had to stop and ponder "what is?" or ask my husband to remind me again.
I keep telling this ball and chain- this anxiety- that it must move on now, but it is rather stubborn and is loitering, surprising me around a corner, or showing up somewhere on the path that I walk everyday....it meanders into my consciousness and offers very unhelpful information-the kind I call the what ifs. But I'm learning, without the assistance of medication, to be with those uncomfortable feelings, and to talk them out of sticking around. I hear my husband's words, from my heart, and I whisper to my racing mind- "listen, up...here is the truth- this is what is." And then somehow or other, I know, that I'm going to be fine.
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| As I am writing this, my neutral-ground.. my rock.sound asleep, right now, across from me,with our 3 year-old son,\ in our hotel room. |
Anxiety has been my companion now for over a week, triggered almost entirely by my worries about certain of my children- worries that are consuming me, that frighten me to my core. At worst, worries that cause me to weep, wringing my hands together, pressing my face against the walls of my shower, the water pouring over me in an impromptu baptism- "please, God, please...please...I'll do anything, God, anything you want...just please let my kids be okay...please...."
After a particularly rough night, this past Monday, I woke up Tuesday morning, before sunrise, to my husband snoring at my back. My heart was running a marathon, the tingling had begun, and my mind was speeding by me so fast that I couldn't catch what it was saying- except that we were in trouble. It was still dark outside of my bedroom window, but the sky had begun its chameleon shift into shades of lighter blue, pink, maybe lavender. And, in that moment I knew what I had to do- I knew that there was no way I could face the day ahead of me unless I got a hold of those thoughts and changed them. So I kindly nudged Tom- "Baby.....Baby.....Baby...I need you....Baby...I need you to tell me what is..please just tell me what is? baby.because I can't remember and I need to know right now- right now." "Judy- we have a good family- the family we wanted. we love each other and we are good together. We've got issues to overcome but they are easier than they seem right now. You are a great mother- Are you perfect? No. But you're great- and you can't see that when your mind is spinning- but I can and the kids can. We chose these children. And they are going to be fine. Some of them have problems-no doubt. But you are working hard on getting them reasonable solutions- and right now, that is all you can do. Judy- I love you, and we are going to be okay. We are already okay-better than okay, in fact. We are strong when we are together, we love our kids and they know that- and everything else we are going to figure out. "
Armed with that, I got up and made it through my Tuesday, though almost every day since then I have had to stop and ponder "what is?" or ask my husband to remind me again.
I keep telling this ball and chain- this anxiety- that it must move on now, but it is rather stubborn and is loitering, surprising me around a corner, or showing up somewhere on the path that I walk everyday....it meanders into my consciousness and offers very unhelpful information-the kind I call the what ifs. But I'm learning, without the assistance of medication, to be with those uncomfortable feelings, and to talk them out of sticking around. I hear my husband's words, from my heart, and I whisper to my racing mind- "listen, up...here is the truth- this is what is." And then somehow or other, I know, that I'm going to be fine.
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About Me
- Judy Sombar
- Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
- Forty-three year-old, mother and staunch advocate of four young children, passionate warrior of truth and self, finding the soul in each day, sharing my struggles and triumphs as I live them. Mostly I do this for me, so my thoughts don't race as much at night as they used to. But I also give this to those of you who need to know, in any or every way, that you are not alone.
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