I played dodgeball with Benjamin this afternoon- fulfilling a promise i'd made to "play whatever" he wanted after getting Seth down for a nap. Amidst sweating profusely and looking like the idiot of time, I was joyful, if not elated, to be out in the sunshine, running from a blown-up globe that doubles as a ball. (I also felt like a good mommy for a while....) I did, however, have to expend an enormous amount of effort to hold at bay my OCD tendencies, which made me want to pause the game, every 10 seconds, and pull the weeds on our hill, pick-up the trash, and basically stop having fun and get back to boring adulthood. Soaking up the joy of motherhood is not as easy as I want it to be. I fight with myself for permission to be a kid with my kids- fighting off the childhood goal of JUST HAVING FUN.