GO
I would live life in the present, without regretting the past, or romancing the past; I would focus on today- this moment- all I have- and I would run with it.  I would buy us all one way tickets to a vast expanse on the water and we would just stop what we were doing and we would go- no doubts- no worries- no "what ifs".  I have had enough of those, you know- the "what ifs."  they plague me like a cancer in my soul.  they follow me...and I'm sick of them.  the "what ifs" that force me to leave this moment.

I would take us to a beach- deserted of all but the soliloquies of seagulls and the tide coming in- and I would watch them run- the kids- and fly kites- and skip stones.  And none of us would have labels or files or medical histories- nothing to say that we were anything but whole and wondrous and blessed.  And I would run after them.  Once we tired, we would collapse in a pile on the sand...laughing...smiling...

If I knew I could I would not be afraid.  I would not be afraid.  I would live

STOP

In years past, on this blog, I have posted a description of what the human body endures during a crucifixion.  I first heard the horrors, of this barbaric practice, some years ago, during a Good Friday service, at a church in Virginia.  It was a sermon I shall never forget, and whose point, of Christ's suffering and love, became imprinted on my brain forever.

As a reminder to all of us, of the amazing sacrifice made on our behalf, meditate, for a few moments, on the suffering Jesus endured, here.

Tom and I have been married nearly fourteen years now.  If I stand back from our relationship and gaze upon it, as a whole, I would call it "real"- not "good" or "bad" but real.  We are two human beings, with two different perspectives on life, two sets of baggage, two sets of needs, two sets of expectations, two dreams...Some days I would like to drive slowly by a ditch and toss him out of the car- he just gets under my skin and I lose my ability to see him from an objective point of view.  Other days, I feel grateful and blessed by his presence-like we are pieces of a complex puzzle that somehow find a way to fit.

Given statistics, there is always the wonder if we can go the distance. On the "ditch" days, I stop wondering because of my four kids.  On the "grateful" days, I stop wondering because of my four kids.  We enjoy life much better in the presence of each other- the six of us- than when we are separated.  And for now, that is our truth.

We drove to the little portion of beach where we said "for better or for worse" in 1997.  I felt twinges of happiness watching our children walk up and over the dune, as I had, in my dress, with my parents in my arms.  These human beings complete us- they make all of the "worse" a little more palatable and give strength to our sometimes wavering commitment.

Togetheritis.  Still the best thing going.

I home schooled my daughter for a couple of years early on....she's since been enrolled in local public education, which suits her....and me, but I have to admit that there are many things about those days that I miss.  We travelled a lot then, and we all learned so much from our experiences- much more than what work-sheets and text books can provide.

Today I took my four children to the Philadelphia Zoo for the day.  I was surprised and secretly delighted at how enthusiastic they were about learning, about the animals and other more indirect knowledge, naturally- without coercion, or even suggestion from me.  Lily decided she would photograph all of the animals while Liam wrote each species down in his notebook (accumulating over 70 names).  Benjamin took on the self-appointed task of "map reader", guiding to the different locations and the all-important restrooms, while we all helped Seth to distinguish between herbivores and carnivores, the characteristics of the big cats, the differences between the genders within a particular species....

This isn't about me being a stellar parent  because my kids enjoyed a day with lions and tigers and bears.. its validation of the belief that human beings are always learning- naturally.

Its hard to know what to title a post like this....cute and cliche doesn't really fit....

Tonight is a hard one.....I got very little sleep last night and there are six of us in one hotel room with two beds.  You do the math....I realize that there are people all over the world, tonight, who are sleeping in much worse conditions.  This is a four star venue with beautiful fountains and nice down comforters, bountiful pillows, a large flat screen t.v. with a plethora of channels. 

Peace

But, to be honest, I feel suffocated.  Not only by my current circumstances but by some of my life choices....and without purging details which are private, I cannot adequately convey to you, dear readers, just how painful this is...in this moment.  All the lingering doubts and frustrations; the guilt and the rage; the grief; the loneliness....the conglameration of all of this negativity weighing heavily on me right now. 

In one word, I feel trapped.  I put me here.  Tomorrow, it is possible, that I will wake up, glowing from rest and ready to face my world with vigor.  It is possible that I will not recognize these words as prose from my own heart.  It is possible that I will discover that the other woman took my place, at the computer, and spilled her guts all over the web- the other woman who sometimes forgets that she is loved and determined and gifted and passionate and worthy and safe.

What I know right now is that I need space.  I desperately need space and sleep.

It is springbreak for my kids right now.  Tom and I have had many thoughts as to how we would spend our time together with them, this weekend, when he didn't have to work.  We had planned to take them into the city, today, to explore, and to visit some historical sights.  But here's the deal folks- they didn't want a "plan."  All four of my kids just wanted to play- to hide and hunt Easter eggs until they were too pooped to pop, ride their bikes around the block- racing to see who was the fastest, teaching their little brother to pedal and laughing with him as he continously drove off of the sidewalk.  They wanted to watch T.V. and play card games with my Dad, until they were so tired they fell asleep in the livingroom.

So we nixed the big picture and focused, instead, on the joy of pure, unadulturated, play.  We middle-class adults, in the twenty-first century, often forget what that is like- we want to provide fun for our kids that they really don't want or need.

I am again reminded that nothing is often better than something.  Hands Down.  Thanks kids.  You are forever my best teachers in the class of parenting and life..

Inspired by prompt over at The Gypsy Mama's place, here is my five minutes of unedited, stream of consciousness, musings about going the distance:

GO

literally speaking, we have gone a great distance today, on our first roadtrip in over seven months.  all six of us in the van, loaded down with suitcases and lacrosse sticks, enough junk food to sink a ship, and a cooler of bottled water.  as usual there was a lot of laughter and some fighting...interesting conversations...the last two chapters and epilogue of the book Hatchet by Gary Paulsen- read aloud by yours truly...my tooth cracked on a piece of ice and fell out...we talked of the upcoming Royal Wedding and Ben wondered how Princess Diana is going to get married if she is dead.  

Tom, my husband of nearly 14 yrs. My Best Friend and rock- going the distance for me, every single day

figuratively, I am encouraged that I have come a great distance in my life, seven months after being hospitalized for anxiety/panic attacks.  I am forever in the debt of many honorable and loving human beings who have gone this distance with me- my parents, my husband, my kids, and some incredible friends.  

STOP

Goofy and "the lion"- undaunted by the cancellation of their fun evening...

Thoughts for the road tonight:

Life can be so infuriating sometimes....it seems like there is always something that causes a seemingly smooth day to go awry.  Tonight Tom's car ran out of gas (no comment), which caused the plans of everyone in our family to be completely ruined.  We had a paper route to complete, swimming, a play date....My first inclination was to be very bitter with him, but over the last year I have begun to see the obstacles on our path as less random than what they appear.   I have been trying, every time I get stuck in traffic, or the keys get locked in the car, or we get lost on the way to our destination, to view these frustrations as ways in which God steers us away from more difficult circumstances, even danger.  Maybe my plans are simply not what He had in mind.  Maybe there are people whose paths we are to cross, whom we would otherwise never know, if our schedule went as we had designed.  Perhaps, more seriously, we would have met our demise from a reckless driver or a downed tree or a deer in the road....we may never know this side of heaven, but it seems like a reasonable explanation to me.  It is possible that life really is just a lot of set-backs or coincidences, that my faith is planted firmly in a bunch of hooey, but, by taking a different perspective from the usual stance of the victim, I find that I am better able to cope and be at peace with situations which, in the past, have caused me to feel  immense stress or to lose my composure all together.

I guess God's GPS is better than my own, which, in the end, is a good thing.

my funny kid

This morning, as I was getting Seth dressed to go out for a while, he went into our linen closet and pulled out a pack of maxi pads and said "Mommy, what ARE dese?"  "Uh....um....I'll tell you later, babe, we gotta get going..." "Mommy, dey you diapers?"  "No, Seth, come on."  "Mommy what are dey?" "MOMMMMMY WHAT ARE DEY?!" "Mommmy, I wanna wear dose diapers...I wear dem Mommy?" "You put one on me, Mommy?"

So, later, at the store, Seth shouts "MOMMY- YOU WEARING A DIAPER! MOMMY WEARING A DIAPER!"

Bedtime prayers are a constant source of hilarity and a view at the personalities of my children.  Tonight, Liam was thankful for his lacrosse game (though his team lost).  He prayed that the opposing team had fun too (amazing sportsmanship- don't you think?). .  Seth grunted while sucking his thumb and pulling my hair through his prayers with me. Benjamin was thankful for the pizza he ate today and prayed that his parents would drive him to 7-11 tomorrow to buy a treat

Amen!

Cold, cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better, baby
Just passin' through
And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts livin'
In two separate worlds
But, it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice, at all- Elton John

Inspired by today's topic from The Gypsy Mama, here is my five minute stream of consciousness-no editing or lingering, about what you'd behold if you met me:

Ready, Set......GO!

If you met me on the street, on most days, you would see a woman who hasn't yet showered, who is dressed in sweats, who may not make eye contact because she wishes she'd showered instead of running out of the house with one kid or four, and she's feeling a bit ashamed because she's gained back nearly all of the thirty-two pounds she lost, last summer, because of her damned meds- which she takes so that the anxiety and panic attacks, that wrecked her for a long time in the fall, don't return....and this makes her depressed and discouraged.

Upside down prologue to my story MOTHup Pittsburgh, Feb. 2011

If you met me at the MOTHup storytelling event, once a month, on the South Side, in Pittsburgh, you'd see a woman who looks put together, hair done, make-up on, nice clothes, super slutty high heel boots, doing a respectable job of telling tales of her life with her husband and kids, sometimes self-depricating, but always honest to the core, and connecting with her audience in ways that totally rock her world.  She would have a fantastic smile because she made you laugh.

If you met me and we somehow got to talking, you would notice my compassion, my empathy for human kind, my willingness to be vulnerable to a fault, my lack of inhibition and my contagious sense of humor and love for laughter.  You would get that I love my kids and that I've had some trying times, which you'd probably already know if you live in my town, but you'd see that I'm not really scarey or crazy and maybe I'm a lot like someone you know who is normal and fun or maybe like you.

STOP

This will be short and sweet.  Or maybe just short.  Not so sweet...

My New Favorite Mommy Treat

I've recently been turned on to the wonders of Greek yogurt.  It is ever so creamy and rich, not to mention that it has twice the protein than regular yogurt.  My all time favorite brand is FAGE, pronounced Fa-yeh.  Their cherry flavor is out of this world, almost as good as an ice cream sundae (but let's be honest- yogurt is so not ice cream), AND, most remarkably, it has no high fructose corn syrup or food dyes- so consuming this delight will not shorten my life span or ruin my brain.  It is a bit on the pricey side at $1.79 a cup, but as a "mommy treat" it is totally worth it.

Last week, in my haste to save some money, and cash in on some coupons I'd come across, I purchased a competitor's "Greek Yogurt", in "honey flavor" for about a third of the price of FAGE.  Imagine my disappointment, tonight, however, as I peeled off the lid- to find that 1) it is rather sour and leaves a sort of chemical taste on your tongue and 2) IT CONTAINS NO HONEY.  Now how does one market "honey" yogurt then just decide to omit this major ingredient?

Lesson learned- you get what you pay for and leave the Greek yogurt to the Greeks (even the ones in the U.S.)


****FAGE U.S.A. did not pay me to write this post or solicit my advertising with the promise of free product, though if they did, I'd be ecstatic****

Seth, at The Children's Museum

I lost my keys in the great unknown
And call me please 'Cuz I can't find my phone
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use
45 in a 35
Sirens and fines while I'm running behind
Whoa
This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed
This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use- Francesca Batistelli

Today was an exceptionally difficult day....I barely slept last night, with several interruptions by several members of my family.  Single parenting is not for me, which I kindly mentioned to my husband, who is away on a business trip this week.  I didn't sign up for this, really, though when I signed up, I did check that proverbial box stating "for better or for worse."  Today would be "for worse."

I am beyond tired.  I don't parent well when I am tired.  I feel especially burdened with the choices I've made when I lack adequate sleep...the choice to become a parent, the choice to parent full-time, the choice not to drive off the nearest bridge (and there are SO MANY here in Pittsburgh)...every question from Seth today (and I think there were 500 of them) was like nails to a chalk board.  "Why, Mommy? Why that trash truck doing that? Why I have to wear a coat? Why?" or "GO MOMMY- LIGHT IS GREEN-GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (when the light was red)"....

I had to laugh at Ben, in the  parking lot of Giant Eagle, with  his tank top, shorts, and snow  boots.  This isn't a great picture-taken  with my cell phone, in not-so-great  conditions, but I wanted you to see the hilarity of this kid of mine...

But, at the end of the night, tonight, while at the grocery store with my 8 year-old son, an employee swept in, like a good Samaritan, and made me think twice about the personal pity party I was throwing for myself.  We'd gone up to the cafe to order a sub (which Ben had been waiting patiently for before and after his gymnastics class), only to find that they had closed fifteen minutes earlier.  The kind gentleman, behind the counter, who appeared, at first glance, to be an escaped convict, offered to make my son the Italian Cold-Cut (with lots of onions), anyway.  Then he gave it to him for free.

On the whole, it was a rotten 24hrs.  The little "gifts" of light from a couple of friends, my daughter (who made my bed tonight- just because) and the generosity of a stranger, wrapped the day up in a package that was easier to take in the end.  And for this, I am ever so grateful...and blessed-so big.

Exhaustion settles in...husband on a trip for a couple of days...I felt done before I begun...the house is trashed but I am learning to pick my battles and today the house was not one of them...peanut butter and jelly rescuing my weary soul tonight...as I lay here...cold...hair wet with chlorine from an evening of swimming with four boys (three of my own, one who could be my own but he's not) and my daughter...trying hard not to be grouchy...but I'm tired...absorbed in the laughter of these kids heading down water slides and dunking one another in the pool..hearing the whistles of the lifeguards and knowing who they were for and not really caring because they were having fun and I love to watch that and nobody was drowning...rocking Seth tonight, lifting gratitude whispers to the heavens for splashing and courage and silly brothers and little friends we love and prayers of grace for the mother of his classmate who has stage three breast cancer, no hair, and four children...exhaustion settles in...

This afternoon, Seth and I explored the ingenius idea of using cracked eggshells for planters to start our seeds. We filled each eggshell with good soil, inserted seeds (sunflower, daisy, and purple coneflower), and sprayed each with water.


With any luck, we'll be planting seedlings soon (if spring ever gets to Pittsburgh).

Our van blesses us in many ways...and I've found myself in gratitude for it, including it in our prayers before bedtime. It is easy to take for granted such a convenient mode of transportation-how often do we meet families, here in America, without a car these days? Growing up, there were several years that my mom and I didn't have access to a vehicle very often, forcing us to walk or ride the bus to where we needed to go. I don't resent that time- I learned, at a very young age, the wonder of public transportation, of meeting people from all walks of life, and taking a slow but serene route through the day. There was no rushing to get to such and such- buses work on their own schedule. As a student, then a working young adult, then a mother and a homeschooler, I depended on the Metro (the Washington, D.C. area subway system) to get me to museums or to work and back. I've gotten lazy, however, since we moved to Pittsburgh, and it is just in the last two years that I've tried to be more cognisant of our "road time." We have lived with just one vehicle, for the last eighteen months, by choice. This has mostly been fine, except for one day,six weeks ago, when my husband took our van to work and I had to learn, quickly, to use the trolley to get Seth to speech therapy, then to the grocery store, and back home. All in all, the ride and walk took about four hours out of my afternoon (partially because we got lost). Three days ago, though,with much trepidation, we decided to put our second car back into the mix- in order to avoid a lot of the chaos which has ensued from having several kids working side jobs or taking classes in the evening.

Today our family chores focused on caring for our vehicles. During the week, despite my best efforts, our van quickly begins to look like a landfill (or a food bank), with ample amounts of food particles on the floor to feed a third-world country, and enough trash to load up a full-size recycle bin. So, this afternoon, Tom and I drove the van and car to an inexpensive car wash in nearby Bethel Park, Pennsylvania. We divided our family in half, with two children and one adult working on each vehicle. The vacuums are free, which saves us a ton of money. We split the tasks of floors/seats, using Armor All on the non-fabric surfaces, and spraying/wiping the glass with Windex. As a treat, after about an hour, we drove through the car wash, which is only $3.00. Thankfully, I remembered to put up the driver's side window this time!

Working together in a directed fashion has helped to improve the attitudes of the workers in my home and having a clean van to drive improves my mental clarity as well. And, Lord knows, if it improves my mental clarity- its worth it!

**to read other writing on the subject of house cleaning and family organization, check out these other All In A Day bloggers:

1. Brooke Woody 3. Nicole
2. Nicole




Benjamin's Carrot Seeds Sprouting

 

Lily's Hollyhock Seedlings

Fast forward thirty-five years, and you will find all four of my children enthralled by the growing of their own seeds.  My window sills have been devoured by pots filled with soil and the seeds of carrots, watermelon, pumpkins, tomatoes, and flowers.

Sprouts, wondrous sprouts!


Lily's Lupines

One of the many Wondrous Holes In The Wall In Pittsburgh

I stumbled upon this joint, in the company of a fellow urban girl, in the middle of a work day, having to brave both parallel parking a mid-size family vehicle, and the narrow walls of this hole in the wall of Thai cuisine.  After one bite of their Pad Thai, however, I was hooked and knew my hubby would be too. 

Spice Island Fried Tofu with Bean Sprouts-yummy

We spent the rest of the afternoon looking at tents....where we will sleep with our children, under the stars, some day, eating nothing as yummy as what was on today's menu......

Hungry?