The first of three troupes to perform last night

I spent last night with Alison Peebles, the passionate organizer and warrior of Pittsburgh's MothUp, at Steel City Improv Theater.  There is something karmic in supporting local artists- the talents of whom do not lie on the pages of People magazine or on cable T.V. - in return you get to behold people with amazing skill and, in this case, laugh yourself silly.

Me

What I'm finding, however, is that I am profoundly distracted by self-loathing, these days.  Even in the best of situations, like being out with a friend, in the city, I am having a difficult time forgetting how unhappy I am with my body.  As we sat in front of the stage, yesterday, I couldn't help but notice how tight my clothes fit, and how focused I was on my own feelings of shame and torment. The judgement was all mine- even if the place hadn't been in the dungeon of a building on a dark street, there wasn't anyone performing or in the audience who cared about the size of my pants or the bulge in my belly.  Though, I must admit that the poor soul next to me must have felt like he was getting a lap dance from my butt, which was squeezed awkwardly against his side.  The theater is unbelievably small, and the seating is cramped.  I apologized, in a self-deprecating way, to the fellow, offering that these hips had birthed four babies, one of them enormous....I left out the part about how  I'd really worked hard last summer and lost an impressive amount of weight and was lookin' good.....but that I have some kids with some worrisome issues and, in a fit of panic, that lasted six weeks, I'd been hospitalized and was put on a plethora of psychotropic medications, all of which boast the side effect of weight gain.  I didn't explain that the Dr. has decided that those drugs were a mistake...and how I'm now being weaned off of all of them.  I didn't go into how depressing it is to be at a comedy club, of sorts, and not really feel the release of laughter on the inside. I wanted to mention all of that, into the abyss of that tiny arena, in a really loud voice so that everyone could hear, but I whispered it to myself instead.

Deep down, I long to feel content so I can get on with life, all the while, laughing.